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Written by Tash Rialto. Performed by Morsten Weens and Tash Rialto. The kettle is Tash Rialto's.

lyrics

Jebb: Ah suppose Ah did feel a bit sorry for the fella after the hangin’ an’ all. Maybe things got taken a little too far, but Ah was a lot younger then and he did put a scar on me which’s stayed to this day.

Zee: So what happened to his bear, Jebb?

Jebb: Ah was gettin’ ta that, but Ah wanted ta get a few things straight in ma head about the story first before Ah did. [Pause] It was probably more ‘an ten years ago now, and Ah used ta give it more thought than Ah do now, and for a while it played on ma ole conscience, Ah can tell you.

Zee: What was the dude’s name?

Jebb: He wa’n’t no dude, though he coulda bin. He was called Larry and he named his bear Georg. It’s German or summin’.

Zee: German?! Now that’s what gets ma goat, Jebb! What’s wrong with a good honest US of A Christian name?

Jebb: Some folks choose to rock the boat sometimes. Do’ know why. They jus’ does. Now this fella was a wily kind. We saw him the day he and his bear strolled into town. Said he was just lookin’ for work and a place ta get his head down, so we set him up oud on the ranch with some pickin’ and he was happy enough for a while, only he had to sleep oud on the field because none of the other men felt comfortable with a seven-foot grizzly bunkin’ down with ‘em, and the man wouldn’t leave it oudside. But other than that he seemed to be a quiet young fella, all in all ta start. Jus’ used to sit oud in the evenings with this bear he’d raised from a cub, talkin’ to it, pettin’ it: then at night they’d curl up together and go ta sleep.

Zee: Sheeit, a real life bear?! What happened when the thing got hungry, or got sore ‘bout summin’?

Jebb: Ah ain’t never seen a bear like it, Zee. Ah tell you, you could grab that sucker by the balls and the worst it had in it ta do was ta push you away ta make ya stop.

Zee: And all through the right upbringin’?

Jebb: Ah don’t know what that guy did ta that bear, but whatever it was he did somethin’ all raaaad. It’s just a shame he couldn’ta done the same for himself when he’d bin drinkin’. He had a thirsty temper on him, Ah tell you. Hauled his ass out onta the street on many occasions coz he knew no one would cross him with that bear in tow.

Zee: Even though the bear was so gen’le?

Jebb: Even though the bear was so gen’le. Once when Larry had been a bit friendly with the ole whisky boddle and passed oud at the end of the bar after callin’ a load of dudes faggots…

Zee: …They let him get away with that?

Jebb: Well, almost. They heard about the reputation of the bear so they led it out into the street and pelted it with stones and whipped it with their belts.

Zee: An’ the big dumb thing just stood there and took it?

Jebb: Hell, it didn’t know no different. It’d bin with Larry since before it was meant ta be, and it never saw no violence, never saw no other bears, never had no idea of what a bear’s s’posed ta be. Just got big but stayed like Larry’s liddle cub in its bear mind. And it waited there oudside for hours till Larry sobered up and came ta find it.

Zee: So how did you ged involved?

Jebb: Ah was working oud on the ranch at that time, and me and some of the other boys began to tire a liddle of Larry’s no good braggin’ and drinkin’. He was puttin’ a boddle away nearly every night towards the end, and seein’ as Larry was kind of a lonely fella stayin’ away from people because of their fear of the bear, he began to shood his mouth off, ya know, try and big himself up by doin’ other folks down. Maybe thought he wuz bein’funny. One night we came out ta his fire to say howdy coz we thought it was about time but he was already drunk an’ hollerin’. “So you faggots has decided ta come and grace me with ya presence, have ya?” he said to us. “Now, now, Larry,” we said ta him, “no need ta get all testy coz you’ve had a few drinks,” an’ he took a big slice a objection to that. Started wavin’ the boddle aroun’ and tellin’ us that if a man has ta sleep outside with a bear then that’s where he should stay: some garbage like that. We told him ta calm down and that we didn’t mean no harm, but he di’n’t wanna hear it. Then he shoved O’Rawke away when O’Rawke tried ta take the boddle from him coz he was wavin’ it aroun’ like a Cherokee squaw, and we got all fired up despite the bear coz we’d bin drinkin’ too.

Zee: What happened?

Jebb: The bear was just holdin’ us away with his big paws, not makin’ a sound, not gettin’ his claws in, just holdin’ us there and tryin’ not ta make eye contact.

Zee: Did ya wanna shood it?

Jebb: Ah sure as hell did. Ah knew the bear wasn’t no harm bud Ah also wannid ta teach that lippy sonofabitch a lesson.

Zee: So did ya shood it?

Jebb: Ah didn’t get the chance. This bear was keepin’ in between Larry and us and jus’ bein’ gen’le but strong, and Larry came oudda nowhere with the neck of a smashed bottle and pushed it right inta ma face.

Zee: So that’s how ya got ya scar.

Jebb: Sure. You can imagine we god our guns out fast and starded wavin’ ‘em around, but Ah knew if Ah did anything Ah’d go straight to the jail after the laaaas’ taaaam’, so we went back ta the town and got the Sheriff in on it. The sheriff at that time was ma good wife’s uncle and seein’ how livid Ah was, and seein’ the restraint Ah showed after the laaaas’ taaaam’, we had him blamed for some rustlin’ that had been goin’ on up North. We told him there’d been witnesses and that we don’t appreciate his kind of folk in our parts. Just like before, he flew into a spin and starded sayin’ all this stuff about geddin’ a fair trial, and we told him there’s only one kind of trial round here for his kind…

Zee: [Sucked in] Yeh, yeh.

Jebb: …So we carried him to the frame and hung him coz he was strugglin’. It took five of us ta hold onta him tight enough to get the rope roun’ his neck. He objected strongly ta bein’ treated like that.

Zee: So ya hung ‘im then?

Jebb: [Pause] Yip. An’ the bear watched.

Zee: Did it mind?

Jebb: Do’ know. It saw wut happened, bud it’s hard ta tell what goes through the mind of a huge bear. It watched the whole thing, waited at a distance for a while, then it sat down, then it jus’ got off and walked back ta the ranch to the bit of the field they stayed on and went ta sleep. Next day we wuz all talkin’ on the stoop about what we could do with this bear, and a lot of the fellas just wanted to shood it and leave it out for the coyotes, but Ah felt at least partly responsible for its situation so Ah said Ah’d take it up ta the woods if Ah was goin’ ta do it. Hell, makes more sense ta do that than leave it on our land and have the coyotes come ta us, so Ah led it up ta the woods…

Zee: And it jus’ let you do that?

Jebb: Ah told you: this was the most easiest bear Ah ever seen in ma whole goddamn life. Ah turned aroun’ to it and looked up inta its black eyes, and Ah tell you I ain’t never looked at a animal like that. Ah didn’t know if it had any idea of what wuz goin’ ta happen ta it, but if it did it sure as hell accepted it pretty darn well.

Zee: So ya shod it?

Jebb: [Pause] Ah didn’t have to. Another grizzly sniffed it out and came to look from a distance. Ma first instinct was to shoot both before Ah got inta any trouble, but the other grizzly didn’t come any closer. It just waided for Georg ta go over to it and then they both disappeared off inta the trees.

Zee: So you didn’t shood it!? It god away in the end? There are two grizzlies out there in them woods now, and maybe more if they’s breedin’?!

Jebb: [Pause] Nope. Jus’ one. Ah went up there some time later to grab me some chestnuts, only Ah didn’t find none, but Ah did find the carcass of the bear out there almost completely stripped of meat except for the face.

Zee: Did the other bear ead it, Jebb?

Jebb: I couldn’t tell ya, Zee. I couldn’t tell ya. But Ah can tell you that the lips and the eyelids of the bear wuz missin’, an’ from the looks of the struggle, Ah guess it happened while that bear was still alaaaav.

Zee: Sheeit, so the animals do always die for no good goddarned reason at the end of these stories.

Jebb: Yup. It seems that way, Zee.

credits

from Marathon Tuxedo Go All Jackanory on Your Arse, released January 10, 2012

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Marathon Tuxedo UK

Marathon Tuxedo is Tash Rialto and Morsten Weens. Rialto does programming, vocals on the left, guitars, comb and paper, percussion. Weens does programming, vocals on the right, and percussion. Weens is also Sexual Ben sexualben.bandcamp.com and Rialto is in Von Bartha vonbartha.bandcamp.com ... more

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