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Written by Tash Rialto. Performed by Tash Rialto and Morsten Weens. Rialto played Erik Satie's Gnossienne no. 1 on the ole geetar. Rialto left some gaps in the script for improvisation.

lyrics

THOR: So what shall we do today?
METHUSELAH: How about we boast about our non-existent sexual conquests and lie about the size of our willies in a rather uncomfortably transparent way?
T: Nah, bored of that. Why don’t we pretend to be orcs and have a battle?
M: Ok, that sounds fair enough. Later though, later. I tell you what, I saw this … [surprise me] … earlier. Can you lend me some money so I can get it?
T: I don’t even know what one of that is.
M: It’s … [tell me]
T: Are you having a zebra? I’m not lending you money for that, you nonce.
M: Oh go on, you’d lend me money if I was starving, wouldn’t you?
T: Yeah.
M: Well I’m starving for a … [repeat name of thing]
T: [Makes noise] Oh sorry, I’m feeling a bit tourettic today. [Noise]
M: That’s a rather fetching skullcap you’ve got there. Where did you get it?
T: Thanks, I found it.
M: Where did you find it?
T: … [Here’s where I surprise you] …
M: Really? What’s the story there?
T: It’s tragic really. … [I say another sentence here] …
M: It looks good though. It really sets off the ginger in your bumfluff ‘tache.
T: Thanks, I thought so.
M: Hey, I’ve got a joke for you.
T: Go on then.
M: What did the down-on-his-luck farmer say when he got in the Guinness Book of Records for growing the biggest turnip?
T: I do not know.
M: He said: “That’s a turnip for the books!”
[They laugh riotously then suddenly stop]
T: Oh dear, I think I shat myself a little bit there.
M: I’m going to see your cousin later.
T: Oh dear, why would you want to do a thing like that?
M: Why would you say this? He’s all right, isn’t he?
T: Yeah, he’s all right, but there’s something unsettling about him though.
M: What do you mean?
T: I think it’s the questions he asks. It’s like he’s smugly contriving to elaborately run you round the houses of your own cuntness.
M: I know exactly what you mean. I don’t let him get to me though. When I start feeling nervous I just picture him naked.
T: Does it work?
M: No, it just gives me a boner.
T: I don’t know what that is.
M: Yeah you do: it’s when your willy goes hard.
T: Your willy goes hard? That’s nasty, man. Is it treatable?
M: Yeah, you just rub it till all this glue comes out and you uncontrollably shout “Release the hounds!” or “Fly my pretties, fly!” or “Go AIDS!”
T: Glue? That sounds horrific and weird and I don’t want anything to do with it.
M: It’s all right actually. I quite like it sometimes.
T: Oh hang on, is this what I’ve got my hand in?
M: Oh yeah, sorry about that, that happened earlier.
T: Do you mind if I?
M: No no, go ahead.
T: [Lip smacking] That’s disgusting. Really salty.
M: Yeah it is. I don’t get it: even when I haven’t eaten any salt for weeks it still comes out like that.
T: Wow, you must have loads of salt in you.
M: Yeah, I think it’s from when your cousin assaulted me.
[They laugh riotously then suddenly stop]
T: I don’t get it.
M: I’ll explain it to you when you’re older.
T: Oh, did I tell you? I’ve got a hugely ginormous willy and I’ve slept with loads of girls.
M: I thought you said you were bored of talking like that.
T: Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot.
M: And besides, you don’t even really know what it means.
T: Don’t be ridiculous, what’s not to understand about going to sleep with a girl? Anyway, I’d like to have that orc battle now.
M: Cool, ok, you start.
[We hear a variety of intimidating low roars and battle sounds like blasts and arrows thunking into wood, with a metal soundtrack]
M: Ah, that was great.
T: Too right. Best of two?
M: Nah, I should go really.
T: BEST OF TWO?
M: Oh all right then.
[Roars and battle]
T: Cor, you ok? You appear to have an arm off there.
M: Oh that’s fine. I didn’t really like that one anyway. But are you ok? You seem to have broken your neck.
T: Yeah, I don’t mind. I like to consider things from a different angle sometimes.
[Raucous laughter]
M: Ok, bye!
T: Bye!

credits

from Marathon Tuxedo Go All Jackanory on Your Arse, released January 10, 2012

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Marathon Tuxedo UK

Marathon Tuxedo is Tash Rialto and Morsten Weens. Rialto does programming, vocals on the left, guitars, comb and paper, percussion. Weens does programming, vocals on the right, and percussion. Weens is also Sexual Ben sexualben.bandcamp.com and Rialto is in Von Bartha vonbartha.bandcamp.com ... more

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