Toby: Good morning, old boy.
Miles: It’s the afternoon actually.
Toby: Well, whatever. Does it matter?
Miles: Just being funny, that’s all.
Toby: See, what you’ve done there is confused humour for pedantry, haven’t you.
Miles: Right.
Toby: Again.
Miles: Yes, well anyway, what are you up to over there, Toby?
Toby: Mmmm, I’m getting a re-cap of my eldest granddaughter’s week.
M: Oh dear, does it make the usual compelling viewing?
T: Mmmmm, yes, one could say that.
M: Still out painting the tiles red every night?
T: I’m afraid so.
M: Gosh.
T: Well, you know, one tries not to disapprove of such things.
M: That’s spiffingly charitable of you, old thing. I don’t know if I could put up with it.
T: What can one do? And besides, it’s been such a long time since we were youngsters. The standards seem to be so drastically different these days.
M: Have you tried talking to her?
T: I appealed to the Council of Seraphim and they let me warn her in a dream but unfortunately she was too squiffy and didn’t remember it when she woke up, and now they won’t give me another chance.
M: That doesn’t seem very sporting.
T: I know, they said it didn’t represent enough of an emergency. Said there’re plenty of us here in exactly the same bus.
M: Can I see?
T: If you must.
[Pause]
M: Gosh, it’s a pretty far cry from the last days of the Raj, what?
T: Depends how one looks at it.
M: Who’s that she’s with? Is that her new suitor?
T: I have no idea. Impossible to keep track.
M: What’s he done to himself?
T: I know! Ridiculous isn’t it! It’s like seven haircuts on one head!
M: And what’s she done to her hair?
T: I believe it’s the young fellow’s sick.
M: It simply won’t do.
T: No, no.
M: Oh, I’ve got some good news though. Taffy Fetherington will be on his way in a day or so!
T: Really? Oh that’s splendid news!
M: Isn’t it!
T: Cancer is it?
M: Indeed. Liver. Not long now.
T: Oh good, I always liked Taffy. We should put on a little party when he gets here. Make him feel at home.
M: Yes, the poor fellow will be a bit confused at first.
T: Shall we have a look?
M: Yes, what have you done with the remote?
[Pause]
T: Good question, it’s around here somewhere.
[Pause]
M: Oh there it is, by that massive pile of contradictory scriptures.
T: Ah yes, well spotted, Miles, old boy.
M: Prepare yourself, Toby, it’s not pretty.
[Pause]
T: Mmmm, I see what you mean. Sad, isn’t it, they keep them going with all those tubes and drugs. Silly! If only they knew!
M: Ha, yes, the divs!
[They laugh smugly]
T: Come on, Taffy, shuffle along now.
M: Quicketty quick. On the double!
T: I might make him a cake.
M: He never liked cake. Bake him a pie.
T: I will. Leek and liver.
[They laugh]
M: He’s bound to see the funny side of it. Terribly good sense of humour, old Taffy, for a queer.
T: Anyway, I’ve had enough of seeing him like that, I’ll just finish checking up on my granddaughter. Pass the remote would you.
[Pause]
M: Cripes, the silly girl’s fallen right on her cunt!
T: Seems to find it all jolly amusing though.
M: So what’s a man to do?
T: I really don’t know. I succeeded in making the cash machine swallow her cash card once but she just flashed some clit all night and got her drinks bought for her.
M: Well she’ll have to be careful or she’ll end up like old Taffy.
T: You mean homosexual?
M: No! I mean jippy liver.
T: Oh yes, quite right.
M: What do you fancy doing now?
[Pause]
T: Drink?
M: All right, I’ll meet you at the Beelzepub in ten.