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Ullswater Basement, Remember

from Marathon Tuxedo Go All Jackanory on Your Arse by Marathon Tuxedo

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about

Written by Tash Rialto. Performed by Tash Rialto and Morsten Weens. This track marks the end of Disc One.

lyrics

Shemmus: So I heard a tale about you the other day – something about you nearly drowning or something in an underwater cave.

7ft: Yeah, I did. I can’t quite remember the details though. My memory’s quite poor.

Shemmus: Yeah, mine too.

7ft: Who did you hear that off anyway?

Shemmus: Hmmm, good question. I think it was Brian Benford, the albino porn star.

7ft: Oh yeah, I told him, I think.

Shemmus: So what happened?

7ft: Did Brian not say?

Shemmus: He couldn’t remember all the details, and I want to hear it from the horse’s gob anyway.

7ft: Well, I was up in the Lake District near Ullswater.

Shemmus: I don’t know it.

7ft: Yes you do. We went there in the noughty noughts, remember? Or was that you?

Shemmus: I don’t think so. I don’t remember. Anyway, you’re up in the Lake District…

7ft: …I was up in the Lake District looking around an underground room we’d found beside the lake when two guys walked in and blocked off the door, so we turned around to say hello and they told us to shut up. One of them stayed by the door with a knife in his hand while the other started hitting us with this club.

Shemmus: Why did they do that?

7ft: They’d come to collect some money they stole and stashed earlier, so when they saw us they freaked out.

Shemmus: Was that because you’re a massive seven-foot dwarf?

7ft: Well, that’s what I thought, but no, it was because they didn’t want to leave anyone who could identify them.

Shemmus: So they tried to kill you?

7ft: They had a bloody good go but we grabbed the club and pushed the first guy onto the other one. Chod and Joey were able to leg it out and get away but the guys kept hold of me by the neck and threw me back on the ground. That’s how I got this:

[Silence]

Shemmus: [Over-reaction] Whoa, no way! [etc.]

7ft: Then they got a length of chain and tethered me up round the throat with it and left me in there to drown.

Shemmus: Drown?

7ft: Oh yeah, I forgot that bit – They turned a big tap on in the room before they left, and cold water from the lake flooded in quite quick.

Shemmus: I can’t believe you never told me this. How did you get out?

7ft: Well the chain around my neck wasn’t so tight. I could get it up over my nose but it wouldn’t quite go past my massive forehead, so quickly I realised I’d have to get some lubrication from somewhere.

Shemmus: Yeah, this is the bit Benford remembered, I seem to remember, although I can’t recall what he said – if he told me in the first place, that is. I think it was him.

7ft: I had to try and wank onto the back of a ram they’d trapped in there with me for a laugh because I only had one hand free. They roped both my wrists to steel rings embedded in the floor but I managed to get one out, although I realised that if I was using my one hand to wank then I’d have nothing to catch the giz on, and the ram was the nearest available option, which was a pity because it wasn’t very tame and as the water got higher it started to freak out.

Shemmus: Why didn’t you just aim up at your neck?

7ft: I thought about it but I was scared of lacking the range.

Shemmus: So you wanked on a ram. I can’t believe you still managed to shoot under all that pressure.

7ft: That’s the thing, see: I didn’t manage it.

Shemmus: Then how did you get out?

7ft: Well, I was panicking about drowning and the water was very cold as well, so I just couldn’t do it. Now don’t freak out on me, Shemmus, coz I reckon anyone would have done what I had to do in that situation.

Shemmus: [Very suspicious] You didn’t?

7ft: I held the ram up and wanked it onto my neck. I grabbed it with one of my giant stubby arms and propped the thing up on the great girth of my shoulder then tugged it off.

Shemmus: Didn’t it try and kick you?

7ft: It did, repeatedly in the eyes. But I made it giz down my front in the end, and then I dropped it and wiped the stuff all over the chain.

Shemmus: Did it work?

7ft: No, it was still too tight. There’s quite a circumference up there around the top of my head, remember.

Shemmus: I don’t have to remember: I can see.

7ft: Quite. Anyway, a tabloid journalist who just happened to come by helped me get the chain off the ceiling fitting by force and cut the rope around my left wrist with his forked barbed tongue.

Shemmus: It was sharp enough was it?

7ft: More than.

Shemmus: I see.

7ft: In fact first of all he took pictures on his phone and ran away but when he was halfway across the field he had a change of heart because apparently his mother had passed on in a very similar manner, so compassionately he ran back to help me. Then he published the pictures in The Sun. They were running a series of shots of mainly asylum seekers caught in embarrassing and perverted situations, but they put that one in of me covered in ram spunk chained by the neck to a ceiling in a dark room, the bastards.

Shemmus: [Long pause] Oh, yeah. I do remember that.

7ft: Yeah, everyone remembers the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me.

Shemmus: They called you “The Beast of Ullswater Bestiality,” didn’t they. And the “Ram Raider”.

7ft: Thanks, yeah.

Shemmus: Said you lived up there and had relations with local cattle and could be seen from the school bus running alongside the dry stonewalls in the fields with your stunted phallus hanging out.

7ft: Yeah, I remember.

Shemmus: So didn’t your mates come back to help you?

7ft: No. I questioned them about it in the pub later and they apologised and said that as soon as they got back to the car they completely forgot why they were there and just went home.

Shemmus: Sods.

7ft: Not really: just forgetful. So who told you the story?

Shemmus: I can’t remember. Oh, I do. It was Brian Benford, wasn’t it?

7ft: That’s right, I remember you saying. So how did he find out?

Shemmus: You told him, didn’t you?

7ft: No, I didn’t tell him.

Shemmus: Maybe Jan John told him then.

7ft: Well, how would she know?

Shemmus: Maybe Heggers Tt told her.

7ft: Oh yeah, I remember telling him.

Shemmus: Do you?

7ft: [Long pause] Naaaaaaaah.

credits

from Marathon Tuxedo Go All Jackanory on Your Arse, released January 10, 2012

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Marathon Tuxedo UK

Marathon Tuxedo is Tash Rialto and Morsten Weens. Rialto does programming, vocals on the left, guitars, comb and paper, percussion. Weens does programming, vocals on the right, and percussion. Weens is also Sexual Ben sexualben.bandcamp.com and Rialto is in Von Bartha vonbartha.bandcamp.com ... more

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