I saw those weird twins again today. [Shudders] Very strange. Monozygotic as fuck. They were walking in the High Street on the other side of the road, going the other way, and my sixth, seventh, and eighth senses kicked in and I knew I was being watched, so I looked round and my eyes went straight to them. They were staring at me, silently, in their weird wide-eyed way that they do, walking slightly bent backwards as usual, as if their brittle skeletons are unable to keep their weak willowy bodies fully upright. Their slight potbellies (which are no doubt full of bats’ wings and newts’ eyes) were poking out, as they do, and their jet-black hair hung lank either side of their severe fringes. Hmmmm. Scary. I think they’re trying to put some sort of love spell on me… It’s not working.
Rumour has it one of them fell off a cliff while having sex, which explains loads.
I didn’t know they were twins until recently coz I never saw them together. I’d see them one at a time in shops, or in pubs and clubs, or walking past my house late at night. Once, in a club the DJ played that song by Sixpence None the Richer. The one that goes, “Kiss me, buh buh buh buh buh buh buh,” and one of them appeared from nowhere, dancing relentlessly towards me, bent backwards, her slight pot belly pointing at me, stuffed with spell ingredients… I left.
About a month later I was on a bus and she got on. “Oh no,” I thought as she walked towards me, and I looked down at my lap. About thirty seconds later I looked up again and she was still in the same place, still walking. “Strange,” I thought. About a minute later my unnamed senses kicked in. I looked round, and sat behind me… “Oh my Lord, there’s two of them!” And since then I see them around together all the time. I think they’re after me. Needless to say, I don’t find either of them the least bit attractive. But I’m gonna screw seven shades of Hell’s bells out of the pair of them anyway, just so I can say that I have.